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For years, I avoided going home. The walls of my childhood house held too many echoes of misunderstanding and moments where I felt dismissed, unseen, or simply as \u201ctoo much.\u201d\u00a0<\/i>Maybe you can relate.<\/p>\n
My response was to avoid, distract, escape. I didn\u2019t go home for 5 years\u2026<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t just avoid family gatherings; I avoided myself. Alcohol, friendships, work\u2014anything to keep me moving, so I didn\u2019t have to sit with the ache of longing for something I wasn\u2019t sure I\u2019d ever have.<\/p>\n
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can make relationships\u2014especially family ones\u2014feel like navigating a minefield blindfolded. The intensity of love, the craving to be understood, and the sting of rejection or misinterpretation can turn even the safest spaces into tightrope walks.<\/p>\n
And yet, here I am\u2014years later\u2014visiting my family, on my own terms, BPD and all.<\/p>\n
Learning to navigate my family relationships has been like learning a new language. It\u2019s rooted in tenderness, patience, and grace. I\u2019ve had to sit with the discomfort of my feelings without lashing out, and let their misunderstandings exist without retreating into anger or despair. I\u2019ve learned to build boundaries\u2014not walls\u2014and to lean into connection, even when it feels fragile.<\/p>\n
One technique that\u2019s helped me is paired muscle relaxation, a practice from DBT where you tighten your entire body as tight as you can hold it, feeling the tension build, and then slowly releasing it. This method keeps me grounded in my body and requires such focus and energy that it not only helps me self-soothe and regulate but also quiets an overactive mind.<\/p>\n
Another tool I rely on is the DEAR MAN skill, which empowers me to communicate boundaries clearly and kindly. For example, during the holidays, if a family member repeatedly brings up a sensitive topic, I might say:<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve noticed that when we talk about [topic], it feels overwhelming for me, and I\u2019d really appreciate it if we could shift the conversation to something else. I value our time together, and I want to make sure we\u2019re both able to enjoy it. Maybe we could talk about the exciting plans everyone has for the new year instead?\u201d<\/p>\n
The \u201cN\u201d in DEAR MAN, which stands for Negotiate, could come into play if they feel strongly about discussing it. For instance, I might offer, \u201cI understand this topic is important to you. Perhaps we could set aside another time to talk about it when I can be more prepared and focused, but for now, I\u2019d really like to switch the topic to new years plans.<\/p>\n
These tools, paired with the wisdom of my own lived experience, have allowed me to manage emotions, navigate challenging interactions, and live beyond the diagnosis\u2014to be fully human in all my messiness and magic.<\/p>\n
Not everyone has the desire\u2014or the need\u2014to reconcile with family. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is walk away. If you\u2019re grieving a connection that never existed, know this: that longing is proof of your immense capacity to love. And that love can find a home in chosen family, friends, and most importantly, yourself.<\/p>\n
To anyone navigating the tenderness and intensity of family relationships: whether you\u2019re longing for, mending, or at peace with them, give yourself the grace to feel it all. Find joy in the smallest moments of connection and strength in the boundaries you set.<\/p>\n
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About the Author:<\/strong> Des Caminos is an Embodiment & Somatic Practitioner with two degrees, who received a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder in 2014. She shares her time with the Lived Experience Committee because she believes in the power and healing of a life beyond a diagnosis. Des is here to help break down stigma and share experiences and resources because she believes we are truly all in this together. You can find her on all social media platforms under @Des_Caminos.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2680,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","content-type":"","footnotes":""},"document_type":[1128,1131],"document_category":[98],"document_language":[112],"document_author":[175],"document_audience":[149],"class_list":["post-2678","document","type-document","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","document_type-blog","document_type-this-borderline-life","document_category-dearman","document_language-english","document_author-lived-experience-committee","document_audience-individuals-lived-experience"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n